The warrior with tears

It was the 8th of July. We were to be at the hospital by 8.30 pm for me to get admitted. However, by 8 pm, I was still with my office laptop, sending reports, managing tasks etc. My husband was stuck between not scolding me and at the same time not losing his patience. I finally closed my laptop but entered the kids room to settle their toys and arrange the things for their comfort. ‘It is ok ma,I will manage these’, he tried to hurry me in an angry compassionate tone. He was right, I was not ready. I wanted to make sure to give my best before whatever was in store for me. Do I sound not so confident? I was feeling so too. The last couple of times, when I had to reach hospital for getting admitted, entering an operation theatre, it was to bring my babies safe into the world. So,I really had no thought about what my body would go through or what I have to be mentally prepared for. This time was different. I was having a myomectomy. One side, it was ‘just’ a laparoscopic procedure with 3 incisions on my abdomen to remove the fibroid growing inside the uterus. The other side, it is also listed as one of the top 5 major abdominal surgeries. After 3 medical opinions, our doctor explaining why it is important to complete this asap and witnessing my mother delaying a similar issue and after effects, I understood I should be brave and decided to undergo this surgery.

Finally by 8.15 pm I got ready and the eye contact which I was avoiding with my husband happened, immediately tears started rolling down my eyes. He said, everything will be ok, don’t worry. I have a bold personality. I really believe that the right attitude can shape the situation better. In fact the last 3 days, I was wearing my favourite and also new dresses, had the most important meetings completed, also did some training programs, cooked and also ate some recipes we are fond of. I wouldn’t say I have the super power of reducing my fear but I certainly have the positive ideas which increased my cheerfulness double to overcome the fear. Around 9.30 pm, when I was allocated to the hospital room, the nurse wanted me to change to the ‘hospital gown’. I cracked jokes with her saying I have a blue gown that is more glamorous than theirs & she giggled back saying, if she can’t make me wear it, she has to glamorously exit her work. It was few hours before the operation and the scene was changing. The catheter inserted, the cannula tearing my veins to have drips – nurses started the process.

Since childhood I had been the crankiest kid during doctor visits. A look at the injection, I used to scream horribly. I am very finicky to needles and any medical process. But, that night, I was talking to the nurse, her name is Elizabeth, she was very competent in her profession and was also friendly and pleasant. She did the ‘obvious small talk’ to distract me as she was inserting the cannula inside the veins of my wrist and then the catheter under and that is when I felt the pain deep. From a fear zone, my mind entered the war zone mindset. And the next day 5 AM, I was inside operation theatre, I remember anaesthesia being given and when I woke up with chills shivering, the clock across showed 11.30 AM, ouch, wait. I thought just 3 holes, why is it paining like I am being cut into two pieces. I was crying, oops it hurt a lot on the stitches when I cried so I controlled. My husband and I had been preparing for post-surgery mindset but the reality was copious. I got a low BP issue and my haemoglobin dropped and doctor’s discussed about observing for a day or cutting me again to fix if any internal bleeding are. I was dead scared, not ready certainly. I cried to my husband, take me home immediately, I will do something and get up. But luckily, the haemoglobin did not drop beyond & my BP was stabilizing miraculously after few injections. Doctors are Gods truly. After being discharged, my mother came to Bangalore to take care of me & the family. I literally could not lie down or turn around without another person’s support. My little daughter came everyday asking when will I be alright to hug her & it was emotional. After a week’s leave, I resumed back work, took it slow picking top 3 priorities only. I cannot risk to spoil my health but I needed a destination to keep moving.

Today is exactly the twentieth day after my third surgery, I have a total of 5 cuts on my abdomen, 2 of them still trying to heal. My spinal cord doesn’t allow me to sit or walk for long and I am learning to talk in a slow way dealing with breathlessness, these would be settled when you read my new year blog. There are also few things that has happened during the same period, which is a great part of my recovery phase & they are below –

1. Me along with the team of Tigressandbutterfly – have published the ebook “The Bud”https://tigressandbutterfly.com/product/the-bud/ on 22nd July, which is a compilation of best blogs from the little children (age between 7 to 15) who have beautifully penned their blogs and I have been associated with them for two to three years on their blogging journey with the team. Today they have entered the next stage of being published authors & it was all online, I could use my lying on the bed times to interact with the amazing editor Varsha and talented web designer Rahul (slashmonk.in) who basically made this happen.
2. My interview given few weeks back on ‘small town bigger dreams’ was published the week I had my surgery (after) https://www.linkedin.com/posts/haritoshsrivastava_tigressandbutterfly-tcs-learning-activity-6819285493231030272-i333
3. Being a busy one, who loves running around multiple facets in a single day exploring personal, professional and family based activities, the first time I paused and observed my life in a still state. Clearly, such a state also defines what we seek for in the life and what matters to the soul. I can say, I spent good time with myself.
4. I have had the best eating habits during these 3 weeks, listening to my body, the health – understanding the nutrients I feed into. I usually ‘grabbed’ some food in the past to keep me running but now, I have developed great respect towards health of my body and self-priority to the mind.
5. Being grateful : This post is titled ‘warrior with tears’. Yes, I am a warrior, no doubt. I don’t know if I have chosen to be a warrior instead of a simple easy-going soul, but still this is me. I am ambitious, I am strong, I find meaning in making world a better place, I find satisfaction in inspiring others, giving them hope and faith to move forward. I am far away from the word ‘simple. But, this does not mean that I can’t cry. It doesn’t mean that I can’t fear or shake. I am grateful to the tears, to the fears, to the emotions which travelled with me throughout this episode of my life. I am grateful for the right attitude which helped me hug my kids sooner, accomplish work sooner. Most importantly, I am grateful for the family’s love and care and empathy I received at workplace. I did have some tough people and disturbing incidents during this time but I am grateful that they have helped me discover a stronger version of me.
6. Love life : From checking respective phones while being together, from talking about every ups and downs in each day, from arguing sometimes, from discussing about future and past, we both spent time, only by being together. Yes, nothing to talk and exhaust, no distraction, being in his arms made me feel it was worth coming back to life, for I was being loved by my man. We discovered a new phase in our love life and I am grateful for this, true that tough times bring us closer.

My dear fellow warriors, it is absolutely ok to be not ok. You can cry, feel scared, but end of the day, the warrior’s attitude is ‘get up, show up, don’t give up’ and with a positive twist, you can make things work out or even discover something new in the process. So, don’t allow such moments to doubt your potential rather discover your strength and evolve as a stronger person during tough times 🙂 And hey, this is my first blog in my new MacBook Air 😉 looking forward to connect with you dear readers through more of my blogs..